Growing up online nearly killed me

I was only 13 when the pressure to send nudes started from a 17 year old boy at school.  As soon as I did, he wanted more and more explicit images otherwise he would lose interest in me.  At first I was flattered, but the truth is from the moment he had that first photo, he controlled me.  I could not tell my parents because I felt so ashamed, stupid and completely trapped.  Then he shared the photos with a friend of his who I did not know, who threatened to spread the photos he now had around school unless I sent more.  I was terrified and thought if that happened my life would be over.  It was not until he demanded I send him a pornographic video of myself that I found the courage to block him.  I had just turned 14 when he delivered on that threat and sent the photos of me around school.  They spread everywhere, instantly, as did the bullying. Ostracised and alone, I started self harming, stopped sleeping and went into a mental health spiral that culminated in a psychotic breakdown.  I was hospitalised and spent months on suicide watch.

I survived but lost the rest of my adolescence feeling ashamed, alone and disgusted with myself.  It was only when I started talking about what had happened to me that I realised I was far from alone and what started with a casual but demeaning, request for a nude photo, nearly killed me.

Stuck at home again during lockdown was hard, my mum and I decided to write our version’s of what happened to one another.  Those letters became a book. When You Lose It.  After it came out I was inundated by messages of other people’s experiences online.  It saddened but emboldened me to speak out.  I started campaigning for a safer online world, became an ambassador for the NSPCC and was often the only young person in the room.  I went into schools to talk to kids from as young as Year 7.  It quickly became apparent that no one was asking young people what it was actually like growing up online and, more upsetting, things were getting worse.  

I started Behind Our Screens to gather testimonies so that we are listened to and that our experiences are transformed into positive solutions.  The internet has shaped us, good and bad, now it’s time we shaped the internet.  By amplifying and analysing your real online experiences we will ensure the next generation of technology and social media is made safer for the next generation. 

I wish I could reach back in time and stop young Roxy feeling pushed into sending that first photo, to save her from all those years feeling ashamed and alone. 

This is just my story, what is yours? 

Roxy Longworth xxx